I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
