If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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