Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
