We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize