ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize