if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
