Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
