I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
