i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
They took my balls.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
