it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
