i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
