She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
