Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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