rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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