I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
