HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize