I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
