when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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