forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
