I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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