I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
