Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
