and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
