Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
