the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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