Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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