Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
