haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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