I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
