i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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