I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
