Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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