Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
