her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
