I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
