alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
