a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
