bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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