So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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