So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
