He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
