Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
