I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize