im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
