Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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