You just made me feel so damn special
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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