I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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