4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
