Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
