i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
