you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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