I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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