im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
