it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
