broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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