3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
