I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When did angry sex become our thing?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
