My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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