Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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