I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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